What's Going On?!

I have not written a blog in a while, and I hate to say it, but I think its been a while because things are going so well right now. Its so easy to document the terrible things. But all the great things can be pretty easily go without note. I am TOO happy to let that happen :) Classes have been really great. I actually have fun in my least favorite class. Even ICL, the most obnoxious, busy-work-filled class I've EVER had, is tolerable. I've been meeting a lot of cool people. I have been doing a lot of fun things. I can't actually even think of a point of conflict in my life at all at this exact moment.

I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. That is really not the point. I am kind of in shock, and I thought writing about it might help a little. Everything has been so great. And probably everyone reading this knows already, But I am dating a really great guy. Its going really well. And that is probably the primary source of my shock. I never thought anything would happen there at all. But I am really glad something did happen because this feels so good. Healthy. And I am really appreciative that everyone else has been reacting so positively, at least as far as I can tell. I was really pretty concerned that people would react badly. I do understand that sometimes when people date things get really uncomfortable. I realllllllly do not want that to happen. So far so good I think? Anyway I'll do my best not to get all mushy gushy. :)

I'm also starting a photo project. I am planning on shooting things typically considered creepy, gross, dirty, and/or somewhat common. I have a few pictures that sort of show what I want. Any ideas for subject matter?

Can You Hear Them Come?

It sort of sucks to have all of these realizations. That sometime hurt feels so good. Sometimes crying is so damn beautiful. Love is all there is and it just fucking isn't enough. Because you might be driving and get hit by a bus. and that's all there is.

Turn Wedding gowns to angel clothes

I just had one of the best fourty-five minutes I've had in a long time. With some unexpected time, I paid a visit to the Tweed Museum, a place where I've been only breifly last year. I decided music would accompany the situation well. I selected Cloud Cult's Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes) album. It had been a while since I'd listened to it, and it will forever be one of my favorites. I'm not sure if it was the music, the extreme fatigue I was experiencing, or the art, but I couldn't hold back the tears. And they just kept coming. And it felt so good, like the best day. There was a very special clarity in those moments. The pictures seemed to speak with Mr. Minowa's lyrics. Brand new stories were being born everywhere I looked. It feels so nice to feel.
I love you all.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S OKAY! HE'S OKAY! HE'S OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SO HAPPY! :-D

Papi

My dad suffered a heartattack today. Rereading my last post weirds me out. It makes me feel like its my fault in a weird way. Don't worry though, I know it isn't, it was just a strange coincedence. It has been one of the worst days of my life. At the moment he is in an induced coma and I know he won't be conscious until friday at the earliest. Being here in the waiting room is making me more crazy than anything. But I should stay to support my daddy. I love him so much. This type of thing happening was honestly one of my biggest fears.
But I know I'm missing class and tests and just in general falling behind. At least I would feel like I was accomplishing something if I went to classes and maybe didn't fall so far behind. I really hate just waiting here. But I also should be here... just incase. But he has been stable all day. And the only real concern they have is of brain damage, which is aweful. But they won't be able to tell until they wake him up, which, like I said, won't be until friday.
And I guess its in my nature to avoid these situations. After my grandpa died I fought tooth and nail to not have my camping trip plans ruined. I think its how I cope... I don't like being distressed publically. I like to be distracted and then deal with it on my own terms. But this is my dad. My papa.
Gah. I don't know what to do. I'm so torn. I'm going to be stressed out no matter what I do. I just love him wayyyyy too much for this to be happening right now.

A memory!

When I was quite young, at least young enough to still attend daycare before school, I was awoken everyday at four thirty in the morning. I would throw on a change of clothes and stumble down the stairs to our sofa, to continue my rest while my dad completed his morning routine. And almost every morning, about five minutes after I lay down, an incredibly warm, cozy, perfect sensation would encompass me. A fresh-from-the-drier blanket would have been tucked around me and my brother by our father followed by a short kiss on the top of the head. That is the best kind of love. I miss it. Do you have these memories?

Well, I suppose!

I feel as though I should update this blog of mine, seeing as I've undergone a major life change since the last time I blogged. Unfortunately I was putting off writing this blog because it was so daunting... and the longer I wait the more writing I should (hypothetically) do. Hmmm... oh well!

I am officially a college kid. I live at a dorm, which happens to be larger than I expected, but slightly too washed out color-wise for my tastes. I'm working on that. My roommate, Paige, is really laid back and nice. So far we have gotten on excellently.
The first weekend, they had us freshman jumping through Bulldog welcome week hoops. It was exhausting, and mostly useless, however small doses of usefulness did slip in. I did attend a REAL college party. Wooo. :-D It was a good time, and I met some neat folk. Then classes started and it all felt kind of surreal. More like highschool than I would have expected, but that has more to do with the indoor campus thing than with the classroom content. I still am really enjoying myself.

Koo Koo Kangaro is a dance/rap group that came and played on campus and it was insanely fun!! They do such a fantastic job of involving the audience. Then the next day a few of us made a whorlwind trip to Minneapolis for Matt & Kim! and they were SO cute!

Then the next day after classes we went back down toward the cities, but this time we stopped off in Riverfalls to see Cloud Cults last show for a while. It was excellent as usual! :-D Connie was so pregnant. I'm really happy for them.

Then John Miller and I headed down to St. Olaf to celebrate Ct's birthday! horray! It was fun meeting some of her friends and seeing some fellow Anokans.

This morning I packed up again and am now back at my dorm again. I got some homework done. I'm currently enjoying the new Muse. I'm ready to get into the swing of things.

Shame On Us... For All We've Done. :-D

So I am home from my 'best week ever'. It really was an amazing trip. Hardly anything went wrong. I felt a bit ill Saturday morning, but I'm sure that had a lotto do with the facts that I was probably seriously underhydrated and hadn't been getting regular sleep/meals. I started to feel better pretty quickly though. For both NIN shows Jarid and I went to wait in line around noon, and the doors didn't open until a bit after 6:30. Obviously we had quite a lot of time to socialize with the people around us in line. Having so many people who love NIN in one area was pretty fun actually. Surprisingly I didn't really have interaction with anyone I didn't like. During the wait before the friday show I went and bought a deck of cards and Jarid and I played golf a lot (a game picked up via Amy Pielow during Modest Mouse earlier in the week). Brandon, a nice guy from Dallas, was our line buddy for both shows, which worked out really nicely.
Alright the shows themselves were SO amazing. On the friday show they opened with the first three songs from Broken... which I didn't notice until later but I guess a lot of people were pretty excited since Trent did play ALL of The Downward Spiral at a New York show...My personal highlights were definitely Something I can Never have, Eraser, La Mer (both nights), burn (both nights), and Lights in the Sky. I was behind a lot of various tall people throughout this show, so I had a much harder time seeing. By the second half, however I did situate myself right next to the barrier so I could sort of lean around the tall people to see. :-D Oh. they played 31 songs both nights!! Holy Shit thats a long set.
The second show was definitely my favorite, despite the fact that I was pretty much dry humped (VERY INTENTIONALLY) by a drunk fucker. I'm sorry about being the stupid vulnerable girl in the scenario, but Jarid pulled me away from that guy. Thank you. Anyway he just played SO many songs that I wanted to hear on saturday!! I loved that they opened with Home again. :-D They also played Heresy, Piggy, I'm afraid of Americans (David Bowie Cover), Metal, Echoplex, Mr. Self Destruct, and of course, Right Where it Belongs (v.2). I never thought I would see that song. Ever. It was the song that made me love NIN my freshman year when Derek Hamm showed it to me on the bus. That day I went and bought With Teeth and The Downward Spiral. I use to cry everytime I heard it, but in that really good way. I annalyzed the song for a paper in Humanities because it had such an impact on me still, two years after first hearing it.
I just remember Jarid looking at me when it first came on, and I think my mouth just kind of went slack. I didn't get it really. I sort of subconsciencely fumbled for my phone to call Laura. I started to cry, like in a tear up sort of way, but I just didn't understand. Thankfully Jarid got it on film. The show continued fantastically, and Peter Murphy came out and did a couple of really awesome songs. He left the stage during the end of the song Final Solution after giving a really nice speach about Trent. It was really awesome.
Both nights they closed with Hand that Feeds into Head Like a Hole and then Hurt. What a perfect way to finish it... and when Hurt came started on saturday night... I lost it. I just started shaking and I couldn't really see between the tears and the sweat. The most perfect ending I can imagine.
Throughtout the second show I managed to stay right up front in the thick of things, though surprisingly it wasn't as intense as I might have thought... I had a bit of space for a lot of the second half. That however, did nothing to slow my perspiration! I'm kind of proud it a weird way about how disgusting I was after that show. My clothes were all very moist. In fact, when I removed them from my bag to do laundry the next day, they were still very wet. Eww... granted its tough to say how much of that was actually my sweat... REALLY ewww.
I realize that these are details that most of you probably don't care about, but I sort of need to document them so it doesn't fade. I've never felt as content and happy as I do right now. This was such an amazing week. Thanks so much to everyone who shared it with me. You are all amazing people. From Cloud Cult, to Modest Mouse, to NIN x2. to every damn thing I did this summer. I know a lot of excellent people.

A quick update for anyone who might care...

So I am temporarily home between my Chicago trips. I am SO tired. But it was definitely fantastic. Overall, the group of people worked well in many different situations. Even when tensions started to tighten up, we managed to avoid major confrontation. We did almost not have a place to stay upon arrival at midnight due to a change in the protocol of the hotel. Thankfully, the night manager took pitty on us and aloud us to stay. :-D It was a really nice hotel too. Hard boiled eggs at the continental breakfast and everything! haha.
and well... Modest Mouse was more fantastic than I could ever imagine. And I'm almost sure I've never witnessed sooooo many drugs in one room. Aside from the many joints, and mysterious smells, I actually witness people snorting coke... Woah.
The concert ended exactly the way I wanted it to, with Parting of the Sensory, and 3rd Planet was one of the firsts! They played a lot of We were Dead, which was good because I love that album, but also tough because I don't know the lyrics to that album as well as some of the others.
Anyway I'm getting up in the morning to get my numbness looked at, then repack and do this all again for NIN. I'm so excited, and pretty overwhelmed at the thought.
I love you guys. :-D

The band.

Cloud Cult.
They make me feel good under my fingernails and in my hair folicles and on every goosebump. Watching a group seem so happy, caring, genuine, and just... loving... It is encouraging in the most bizarre of ways. Craig Minowa's lyrics are so poetic, yet so relatable. His compositions are so unique and moving. Never have I seen a band where I could laugh and cry, sing lyrics to every song, and feel so comfortable in my own skin.
Can you hear them come, can you hear them come?

Best Week Ever?!

Yesterday was my last day at Schmitt Music. My coworkers, to my extreme surprise, chipped in to get me a card and one hundred dollars. It made me feel kind of guilty in a weird way. But I'm very grateful either way...
and today kicks off my crazy week of probably-the-most-awesome-and-expensive-yet-still-great time ever. :-D Cloud cult is tonight! ahhhh! Easily one of the best live bands ever. I'm extremely excited.
Then tomorrow I get to climb into an 8 hour bus ride with a few pretty awesome people. Tuesday night is Modest Mouse, which is a band I've been wanting to see for many many years. :-D Wednesday will be another long bus ride home, and then thursday night will be a bit of a rest day... then thursday night I get on another bus with Mr. Jarid Waniger and wander aimlessly around Chicago in the wee hours of friday morning. Hopefully we can stop in and see some museums. Then friday and saturday night will be dedicated to Nine Inch Nails. I'm sort of unbelievably excited for these two shows. They are going to be quite small and intimate with much longer sets. Not to mention its quite likely the last time I'll ever see Mr. Reznor preform, at least under this alias. Then another long bus ride home sunday (a total of approximately 36 hours on a bus) and then i have until thursday to get packed and move to my dorm.
HOLY SHIT.

Just something to relieve the stress.

In the morning you might role over to look at the clock before grudgingly deciding to awake for the day. You might pick up your phone and scroll through the new messages, most of which are impersonal messages from twitter. Strangely enough there was also a missed phone call from your dad. You don't think much of it as you stumble half-blindly into the bathroom. But then your mind becomes more alert and you start to remember. Your dad told you last night that his fathers surgery was pushed up. They decided his surgery was important enough to risk a clot and forgo the planned month of blood thinners. Now that missed call seems rather important. You try to remain focused on your morning routine but your mind can't help but drift. When you return to your room, your phone, sitting haphazardly on the bed, is like an unwelcome beacon of attention. You choose to put the imminent phone call off and turn instead to your laptop. As you lay on your bed you realize that your heart is racing. It becomes exceedingly hard to distract yourself from the drumming in your chest. You dig your phone out from the strewn-about covers. Your now shakey hands makes scrolling to the proper number a challenge. Your dad answers sounding anxious. He hasn't heard yet either. So there is not yet any news, bad or good. But your damn heart won't stop its internal rampage.

oh woe is me.

Alright, I hope I don't end up sounding whiney by the end of this. I am nervous, anxious, and stressed about everything college related right now.
Firstly, apparently UMD believes my family to be rich. According to my financial aid awards, I am receiving my $4000 a year from scholarships and thats it. No loans of any kind. I do have another $1000 dollars scholarship coming, but still 16 grand out of pocket is ludicrous. I'm sure its a mistake and I am hoping I can get it cleared up by tomorrow. But what if it isn't? I really can't go to UMD if thats the case. I couldn't even go to AR at this point because the registration date has passed. I should stop freaking myself out.
Secondly, assuming I get problem number one worked out, My text book situation is quite intimidating. The UMD bookstore is far from helpful, with extremely limited information about the text books themselves available. Also, my text books would have been North of $800 if I purchased the books from there. I realize this is just how it is with text books... but thats terrible. I've been investigating half.ebay.com, but any other suggestions?
Thirdly, I'm actually a little sad about leaving home. I'm actually happy here. I'm getting along with my step mom for a change. My parents are giving me more freedoms then ever. I have regular income. I guess basically I have most of the perks of adulthood with few of the ishy factors. I like to think I'm an open minded person but this change is a bit rattling...
Don't get me wrong, I'm REALLY excited about going off to school. It will be fun to meet new people and entering a (hopefully) better learning environment. And ya know... have my independence.
Basically I'm worrying. And stressing myself out. Ahhh!

Comptine D'un Autre Ete

Yann Tiersen is a genius. The soundtrack to Le Fabuleaux Destin D'Amelie Poulain is amazing. My particular favorite is the track entitled Comtine D'un Autre Ete. I can listen to it a million times and still experience it in a new way. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning. Like I close my eyes and visualize the swirl of colors. Blues and grays. But its such a calming sensation that I think of fall and crisp leaves blowing on a cobblestone street. Oranges and Reds. But the youthful hopefulness makes me think of a small French girl playing in her green grass with her red beret. Hmm. This song is almost perfect.
I write about music in this blog quite a lot it seems. Probably because nothing in my life seems terrible significant. I'm definitely not complaining. Life seems to be going smoothely for a change. I'm going to try and enjoy it for as long as possible, and hopefully longer.
I did recently get my wisdom teeth removed as I'm sure you all know from my spamming twitter and such with complaints... sorry about that. I was quite fortunate in the sense that I experienced hardly any pain at all really. I didn't even take any vicodin. But they did definitely damage a nerve during the surgery because the left half of my chin, lip, and gums are numb. Its quite annoying. I really hope it goes away soon...
I found out that next year I'll be in Griggs and my roomie is named Paige. She seems nice, thankfully! Its a relief to find that out... now I just need to get the financial shit out of the way... ish.

A list of songs that have affected me a lot at some point!

I'm not sure why, but making this list seems like a good idea, so here goes (in no particular order):
Marching Bands of Manhattan: Death Cab for Cutie
Right Where it Belongs: Nine Inch Nails
Mountains Made of Steam: A Silver Mount Zion
Chemicals Collide: Cloud Cult
In this Twilight: Nine Inch Nails
Take Your Medicine: Cloud Cult
God Bless Our Dead Marines: A Silver Mount Zion
Everybody Here is a Cloud: Cloud Cult
Little Furry Bugs: Death Cab for Cutie
The Day the World Went Away: Nine Inch Nails
How it Ends: DeVotchka
If I Ever Leave this World Alive: Flogging Molly
Sodom, South Georgia: Iron & Wine
Daylight: Matt & Kim
Float On: Modest Mouse
Oh Comely: Neutral Milk Hotel
Such Great Heights: Postal Service
New Slang: The Shins
Svefn-g-englar: Sigur Ros
A Song for Milly Michaelson: Thrice
Comptine D'un Autre Ete: Yann Tiersen
Genius And Thieves: Eluvium
Flume: Bon Iver
I'm sure there are many more but these come to mind right now... :-D

Running in the Dark

What a strange, bizarre weekend it has been! Friday was quite possibly one of the strangest nights of my life, although definitely not bad, although some bad things did happen (obviously). Good things happened too! Saturday I wasn't able to sleep in like most of the gang was due to needing to get to work and shower beforehand... so I slept little then went to a long, EXTREMELY slow day at Schmitt. I occupied myself by journaling (in the offline speckled notebook) about the crazy night I had. Afterward I tried to watch a movie with my dad but I fell asleep and slept for nearly 13 hours! I had some fantastic dreams, mostly pertaining to the night before. And today I worked but it was a decent shift. Then Jessica Leo came over and seriously made my day. I found out that both of our fridays were similarly wacky. It was the type of sychronistic coincedence that is constantly occuring in her and my relationship. We laughed and shared all kinds of details and recent life events. I have missed that girl. I know she and I will always be close. I'm lucky to love so many people in my life right now. Too lucky even?
Sorry if this blog is very vague. I've simply thought too much this weekend to retell anything in detail... anyway I'm off to watch Lars and the Real Girl. Hope it's good! :-D

Three Perfects for 1:30 in the morning

Little Furry Bugs: Death Cab for Cutie
Sodom, South Georgia: Iron & Wine
The Will of a Volcano: Cloud Cult

It is so rare and fortunate and perfect for things to fall into such a snug, wonderful place like these songs have for me today. And the best part is that all three of these bands have so many amazing songs. More perfect for another day?

Can't communicate!

Lately I've been having trouble speaking. Not literally, but my communication skills have been subpar and I'm not really one-hundred percent sure why. I will say something that makes perfect sense to me but then people look at me like I just spoke spanish. Or they end up misunderstanding it and then we get in to an argument about something that most of the time wasn't even a real difference of opinion in the first place. >.< It has been beyond frusterating for me lately and I'm definately hoping I can figure out why this is happening. Any ideas?

Hmm anyway today is Tuesday, June ninth 2009. My graduation day! Finally. And you know I'm not missing high school yet... although I imagine that probably wouldn't happen until september anyway. When I get to move instead of return to anoka high school. Hmm. There always seems to be all kinds of bullshit to take care of. Like I should edit this blog because I've already noticed about a dozen things that would give Garvey a heartattack... but I won't... because ...why?

The Day the World Went Away

Today my neighborhood was in flames. People gawked stupidly, preventing the heros from their work.
The terminator preview has the song "The Day the World Went Away". Tthe most intimately intimidating and perfect songs I can imagine for this day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f71vvCEI5yQ
Lyrics: I'd listen to the words he'd say but in his voice I heard decay the plastic face forced to portray all the insides left cold and gray there is a place that still remains it eats the fear it eats the pain the sweetest price he'll have to pay the day the whole world went away

Star Trek was absolutely fantastic. Wow. I can't talk about it other than the fact that it was PERFECT for today (and all of the time)

My day seems somewhat oriented around destruction. It's left me feeling a strange unnameable emotion. Somewhere bordering malcontent and cold. But not bad exactly. I do cry everytime I listen to said Nine Inch Nails song... which is on repeat. But in a very ...cleansing? way.
I'm terrified. I want to do something better. and more. But there isn't anything.
Na nana Naaa nana na na nanna nnnaaa

Marching Bands of Manhattan

This is a song I've gone on about on more than one occasion. But if I was forced to pick a song to listen to forever it would probably have to be Death Cab for Cutie's Marching Bands of Manhattan. It is the type of song that you can make you laugh or cry. It can relax me, inspire me, soothe me. It can serve as both background music and the type of song you listen to single-mindedly. There is a steady building -a crescendo- of sound. Layer upon layer, voice upon voice. The incredible lyrics end up repetitive in the most effective way. Honestly, I've never heard lyrics like these before. Its a strange mix of poetry and allusion. Ben Gibbard has this way of wording things that causes each phrase to sound almost profound despite its potentially mundane meaning. Except that I can't think of one mundane thing about this song. I hope you all listen to this song once. Right now perhaps? and just really listen. And maybe you won't feel as passionate. Maybe you won't even see where I'm coming from at all. But for me this song just moves mountains.

And here are the lyrics:
If I could open my arms and span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are making a lake of the East river and Hudson
If I could open my mouth wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing and bend through alleys and bounce of all the buildings

I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beauitful view if you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said that I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
Slowly it rises
Your love is gunna drown.

What to do?

What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morn?
Aida seems like its going to be really good.
Fear and Loathing is awesome
A few FANTASTICALLY AWESOME concerts heading my way.
I'm freshly bathed! :-D
My math homework isn't done, but that's okay!
That last sentence I wrote was a compound sentence!
I'm being annoyingly optomistic!!!
I want to know what evaporating will feel like.
Why can't lucid thoughts store themselves somewhere... or automatically evolve into a story or plot?

Holiday relections

Emotions are what I've realized get people through life. For some people emotions are the horse driven cart onto which the rope they cling is tied. Kind of precarious, no? But my emotions are for me. And I like being happy. I like not feeling bogged down. I like a good cry when things are stressful. I like to sometimes feel numb and stare at the wall. I also apparently like control. Because I think most of this is in my control. But its good to not worry about the wind spooking the horse. Because getting dirty sucks, but sometimes worse things can happen when a horse is on the run then a puddle of mud.
Haha thats a bit of a cheesey metaphor. Sure its easier to control my emotions now. I'm sure Depo helps that. Not being in the middle of puberty helps. Being single helps. Having friends who aren't drama queens helps. But maybe if I had known that emotions were a surpasable obsticale in the first place many dilemmas might have been avoided? one always wonders. But I am content now!
My mom is my main exception. She irks me like NO other. I freak out easily. It actually embarrasses me how frusterated she can make me just by calling me. I don't understand it. And as much as I want to blame her for a lot of things, some of which are legitimate, I think this is all me. She can't have possible earned the sort of reactions I always seem to have. I'm hoping this is still something that will pass. Maybe just another obsticle. Take em as they come I spose.

Hopefully everyone enjoyed Easter. Family is sometimes hell. but sometimes its incredibly refreshing. I enjoyed it very much mostly. Except for when my car got scratched up and when my ear got smashed... but hey, no holiday is ever perfect.

YES!

I love to smile. I love it when I have to contain my smile because I feel like I look like a goon. I love that this has been happening to me a lot lately. I can not keep the smile off of my face. Life is unfolding before my eyes in a better way than I could ever have fathomed. I am grateful.

10:53

Judging Judging Judging. Its as though my mind processes a new judgment or annalysis in rhythm of the second had ticking on my strangely red clock. It is advertising Coca-Cola. I don't understand the random gifts my dad tends to get me but I really like them. I hope someday I can find such random and generally useful things to give. But who will I give them to? I don't really anticipate having children... but I suppose that may change. Who is to say I know anything about what I want right now. I might say that but probably because I am too stuborn to not say it. Because I know everything. My analysis of behavior is unrelentingly perfect. Ha. wouldn't that make life awesome and easy. Probably too easy. And God, if there is one, knows I like a challenge. What do you think out there? What does your clock look like?

Just a few questions.

What if i were to write a masterpiece in this bizarre little white box, just off of the tips of my fingers... and a malfunction of sorts caused it to be lost forever?
How is it that the ones I love are often the ones I hate?
Why do things always seem ironic? Shouldn't we get use to things going awry?
Who still believes in Santa Claus? I hope I do.
Where does better live? Is it near here?
When will pigs fly? If this happens, does that mean that Hell is real and is currently freezing?

effort is not enough.

There once was a young boy with aspirations. He wanted to paint, but he had no talent. But he tried REAL hard and he got somewhere... No where too far or high, but he achieved.
There was also a young girl with nothing. No motivation, no hopes, no dreams. She did have natural ability, however. She could sit at her easel and quickly replicate the most intricate of landscapes, still lifes or portraits. But she did not care. She did this simply to do. Her talent turned her into an icon. Her fame exceed her efforts exponentially. How cruel that she was allowed to sucessfully continue life without proper meaning. How sick that he was denied true sucess despite his best efforts.

Ahhh mediocrity!

I wish there was an effective method of etching this emotion into my memories! This absolute contentment is almost overwhelming. It is almost better than feeling happy because happy is caused by one specific factor or maybe a few. The feeling will most likely fade as the novelty of whatever object or situation fades. However contentment is being good with whatever it is you have. In general there isn't much bad on your plate, but perhaps nothing too good either. So maybe this feeling won't fade quite as quickly. Maybe I won't wake in the morning with a vague echo of this bliss I now feel. Perhaps I won't have to struggle as hard to capture the emotions I feel in this blog. Because if I am really lucky I won't need help remembering.

I hate naming things.

There is laughter! Though the day is sunless my back feels warm when it faces the window. The haze in my mind allows me to examin the freckles of rain speckling everything. The moistness hugs me closely. The rhythm of the pencils of a dilligent class is a lullaby. One wrong note after another, but the whole is still good. Lucid thoughts devouring more than their fair share of the world results in a lopsided life. Time wastes away while the world waits beyond the glass panes.

strange

What a bizarre day I am having. I didn't go to first hour. I was really distracted in orchestra. Trig was actually cool even though I missed yesterday. Douchey kid sat with us at lunch again. I am hoping this does not become a trend. I arrived home and found out I actually have no new online quizzes due for my night class tonight, but an entire paper. I got a text I didn't expect. I got interrupted while leaving a phone message for the UMD Orchestra director. My mom should be here by now... she is not answering her phone. I was suppose to be hanging with Jessica Leo but I have a feeling that is going to fall through. Just lots of weird things. I just want to sit in a room and read a story that doesn't end.

Once upon a time

I spoke to my father one particularly gloomy day. I asked him how he could stand the mundainness of life.... Didn't he get bored?

He responded that over the years he has found that when life is boring, nothing bad is happening. Therefore, life is good.

I am so mixed when i think about this. Life for me right now, is boring... and yes, I suppose overall it IS good. But do I want to settle for this? Is boring the most I can expect out of life if it means avoiding pain?

No. I can expect more, I can be disapointed, I can learn to cope with the bad... I've done these things. I'm still not sure where I stand.

A few old Haikus to start things off...

I enjoy writing haikus from time to time. Often I intend them to be humorous or silly. :-D

10/07/08
Reading can fulfil
but when one must read often
it can destroy worlds

11/03/08
How can music be
the sustinence unto my
existence forever?

An how about a new one...

03/09/09
Heat under and out
frost on the window sill
a contrast designed.