Can You Hear Them Come?

It sort of sucks to have all of these realizations. That sometime hurt feels so good. Sometimes crying is so damn beautiful. Love is all there is and it just fucking isn't enough. Because you might be driving and get hit by a bus. and that's all there is.

Turn Wedding gowns to angel clothes

I just had one of the best fourty-five minutes I've had in a long time. With some unexpected time, I paid a visit to the Tweed Museum, a place where I've been only breifly last year. I decided music would accompany the situation well. I selected Cloud Cult's Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes) album. It had been a while since I'd listened to it, and it will forever be one of my favorites. I'm not sure if it was the music, the extreme fatigue I was experiencing, or the art, but I couldn't hold back the tears. And they just kept coming. And it felt so good, like the best day. There was a very special clarity in those moments. The pictures seemed to speak with Mr. Minowa's lyrics. Brand new stories were being born everywhere I looked. It feels so nice to feel.
I love you all.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S OKAY! HE'S OKAY! HE'S OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SO HAPPY! :-D

Papi

My dad suffered a heartattack today. Rereading my last post weirds me out. It makes me feel like its my fault in a weird way. Don't worry though, I know it isn't, it was just a strange coincedence. It has been one of the worst days of my life. At the moment he is in an induced coma and I know he won't be conscious until friday at the earliest. Being here in the waiting room is making me more crazy than anything. But I should stay to support my daddy. I love him so much. This type of thing happening was honestly one of my biggest fears.
But I know I'm missing class and tests and just in general falling behind. At least I would feel like I was accomplishing something if I went to classes and maybe didn't fall so far behind. I really hate just waiting here. But I also should be here... just incase. But he has been stable all day. And the only real concern they have is of brain damage, which is aweful. But they won't be able to tell until they wake him up, which, like I said, won't be until friday.
And I guess its in my nature to avoid these situations. After my grandpa died I fought tooth and nail to not have my camping trip plans ruined. I think its how I cope... I don't like being distressed publically. I like to be distracted and then deal with it on my own terms. But this is my dad. My papa.
Gah. I don't know what to do. I'm so torn. I'm going to be stressed out no matter what I do. I just love him wayyyyy too much for this to be happening right now.

A memory!

When I was quite young, at least young enough to still attend daycare before school, I was awoken everyday at four thirty in the morning. I would throw on a change of clothes and stumble down the stairs to our sofa, to continue my rest while my dad completed his morning routine. And almost every morning, about five minutes after I lay down, an incredibly warm, cozy, perfect sensation would encompass me. A fresh-from-the-drier blanket would have been tucked around me and my brother by our father followed by a short kiss on the top of the head. That is the best kind of love. I miss it. Do you have these memories?

Well, I suppose!

I feel as though I should update this blog of mine, seeing as I've undergone a major life change since the last time I blogged. Unfortunately I was putting off writing this blog because it was so daunting... and the longer I wait the more writing I should (hypothetically) do. Hmmm... oh well!

I am officially a college kid. I live at a dorm, which happens to be larger than I expected, but slightly too washed out color-wise for my tastes. I'm working on that. My roommate, Paige, is really laid back and nice. So far we have gotten on excellently.
The first weekend, they had us freshman jumping through Bulldog welcome week hoops. It was exhausting, and mostly useless, however small doses of usefulness did slip in. I did attend a REAL college party. Wooo. :-D It was a good time, and I met some neat folk. Then classes started and it all felt kind of surreal. More like highschool than I would have expected, but that has more to do with the indoor campus thing than with the classroom content. I still am really enjoying myself.

Koo Koo Kangaro is a dance/rap group that came and played on campus and it was insanely fun!! They do such a fantastic job of involving the audience. Then the next day a few of us made a whorlwind trip to Minneapolis for Matt & Kim! and they were SO cute!

Then the next day after classes we went back down toward the cities, but this time we stopped off in Riverfalls to see Cloud Cults last show for a while. It was excellent as usual! :-D Connie was so pregnant. I'm really happy for them.

Then John Miller and I headed down to St. Olaf to celebrate Ct's birthday! horray! It was fun meeting some of her friends and seeing some fellow Anokans.

This morning I packed up again and am now back at my dorm again. I got some homework done. I'm currently enjoying the new Muse. I'm ready to get into the swing of things.

Shame On Us... For All We've Done. :-D

So I am home from my 'best week ever'. It really was an amazing trip. Hardly anything went wrong. I felt a bit ill Saturday morning, but I'm sure that had a lotto do with the facts that I was probably seriously underhydrated and hadn't been getting regular sleep/meals. I started to feel better pretty quickly though. For both NIN shows Jarid and I went to wait in line around noon, and the doors didn't open until a bit after 6:30. Obviously we had quite a lot of time to socialize with the people around us in line. Having so many people who love NIN in one area was pretty fun actually. Surprisingly I didn't really have interaction with anyone I didn't like. During the wait before the friday show I went and bought a deck of cards and Jarid and I played golf a lot (a game picked up via Amy Pielow during Modest Mouse earlier in the week). Brandon, a nice guy from Dallas, was our line buddy for both shows, which worked out really nicely.
Alright the shows themselves were SO amazing. On the friday show they opened with the first three songs from Broken... which I didn't notice until later but I guess a lot of people were pretty excited since Trent did play ALL of The Downward Spiral at a New York show...My personal highlights were definitely Something I can Never have, Eraser, La Mer (both nights), burn (both nights), and Lights in the Sky. I was behind a lot of various tall people throughout this show, so I had a much harder time seeing. By the second half, however I did situate myself right next to the barrier so I could sort of lean around the tall people to see. :-D Oh. they played 31 songs both nights!! Holy Shit thats a long set.
The second show was definitely my favorite, despite the fact that I was pretty much dry humped (VERY INTENTIONALLY) by a drunk fucker. I'm sorry about being the stupid vulnerable girl in the scenario, but Jarid pulled me away from that guy. Thank you. Anyway he just played SO many songs that I wanted to hear on saturday!! I loved that they opened with Home again. :-D They also played Heresy, Piggy, I'm afraid of Americans (David Bowie Cover), Metal, Echoplex, Mr. Self Destruct, and of course, Right Where it Belongs (v.2). I never thought I would see that song. Ever. It was the song that made me love NIN my freshman year when Derek Hamm showed it to me on the bus. That day I went and bought With Teeth and The Downward Spiral. I use to cry everytime I heard it, but in that really good way. I annalyzed the song for a paper in Humanities because it had such an impact on me still, two years after first hearing it.
I just remember Jarid looking at me when it first came on, and I think my mouth just kind of went slack. I didn't get it really. I sort of subconsciencely fumbled for my phone to call Laura. I started to cry, like in a tear up sort of way, but I just didn't understand. Thankfully Jarid got it on film. The show continued fantastically, and Peter Murphy came out and did a couple of really awesome songs. He left the stage during the end of the song Final Solution after giving a really nice speach about Trent. It was really awesome.
Both nights they closed with Hand that Feeds into Head Like a Hole and then Hurt. What a perfect way to finish it... and when Hurt came started on saturday night... I lost it. I just started shaking and I couldn't really see between the tears and the sweat. The most perfect ending I can imagine.
Throughtout the second show I managed to stay right up front in the thick of things, though surprisingly it wasn't as intense as I might have thought... I had a bit of space for a lot of the second half. That however, did nothing to slow my perspiration! I'm kind of proud it a weird way about how disgusting I was after that show. My clothes were all very moist. In fact, when I removed them from my bag to do laundry the next day, they were still very wet. Eww... granted its tough to say how much of that was actually my sweat... REALLY ewww.
I realize that these are details that most of you probably don't care about, but I sort of need to document them so it doesn't fade. I've never felt as content and happy as I do right now. This was such an amazing week. Thanks so much to everyone who shared it with me. You are all amazing people. From Cloud Cult, to Modest Mouse, to NIN x2. to every damn thing I did this summer. I know a lot of excellent people.